and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
