I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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