just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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