You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
