you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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