When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
