So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
