batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
