Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
