Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
