is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
