apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Well I just put wine in my tea
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
