We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
