I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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