Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
