every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
