I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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