Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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