you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
