"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
