Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
