she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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