I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
