just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
