Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
