at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
