Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
