my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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