just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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