So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You ate ashes out of my bong
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
