I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
