"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
