Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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