Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
