I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
