It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
