i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Randomize
