I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
