I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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