My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
