im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
