I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
