It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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