The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
