Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
