Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
