My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
