A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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