Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
operation harelip BJ is a go
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I supernannyed him into submission
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
