come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
