I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
