I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
