I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
