My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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